Railroadthewriter

Stream of consciousness.

Put on your floaties and hop in!

Recently I have come to the realization that I have actually been, in a way, grieving most of my life. I have mourned a life longed for and never got to experience. One I have been, and forever will be, unable to achieve. Not a future life built on dreams and plans and aspirations, but a past life beyond any reach. A sense of longing to have been part of a distant, already played out epoch. To be at one with the spirit and determination of those people who lived long ago and in a land ripe for discovery, full of wonder and significance.

I excused my lack of achievement on my belief that I was forced to live in the wrong present.

I have, since childhood, been a student of history and have felt such a kinship to the past that I have truly struggled with my present and have failed to acknowledge my future. Even time itself has proven to be a constant enemy my entire life (as all my friends and family know well) for reasons I only recently have come to understand.

I have allowed my longing for the past I never actually knew, from the perspectives of people I never actually knew, to control and limit my imagination to merely fantasy and living vicariously through their accounts. In so doing I have missed much of the point of living in the now- appreciating the time in which I live that is full of its own wonder and significance. I am thankful for this revelation and resolve to no longer live in the past, but to live in the present, and to appreciate the small joys of today while moving towards the future and placing it all in God’s hands.

The wise stoic says to concern yourself only with what is in your control and leave everything else to God. The past is gone, out of my control, and the future is only a dream. The best life I can have is living joyfully and completely in the now. This will surely have a positive effect on my dreams of the future if I build it on the solid foundation of MY past. A life filled with hope for a better future cannot be realized while grieving a life never lived in the past.

I choose life and will live it TODAY!

Who’s with me?